Lonely Strings
by ThisIsMyGuise
Summary: To put it simply, Rose is a good person and I am not. The things I have done have caused disgrace for everyone I know. The things I have done have caused so much pain, so much heartache. Guardians are supposed to be in control all of the time and I failed. I failed at protecting the moroi. I failed at protecting those I love. One-shot


**AN: So this is the one-shot I promised to the lovely readers of my story, Pillars of Sand, for leaving me 100 lovely reviews. If you haven't read it, then please, go check it out, although it isn't particularly necessary for this one-shot, as it works as a standalone piece. Is this my best piece of writing? Probably not. I will admit that now. I didn't have long to plan it which is why it has no clear structure and it was rushed. I thought I'd have at least a week to think about it, but I guess blackmail works, because I hit the 100 mark pretty quickly. Anyway, this is for Charboday, Chelsea Castile, NellyRose1994, Vampzgirl and Tatiana Belikova (to name but a few). THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH! **

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN VA!**

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A lot can happen in three months. The seasons can change dramatically, causing the landscape to shift and merge together. People form new relationships with complete strangers, only for them to fall apart. The love of your life can walk away, leaving you to a barren life of loneliness and bitterness.

When Roza left three months ago, she didn't just leave Court, she didn't just leave Vasilisa and me behind, she also left a recurring nightmare that haunted my every move. I saw the look of utter contempt and despair and anguish that pained and contorted her beautiful face. And I was the reason for the contempt, the despair and the anguish. I was the reason she had left.

Since she left, everything has been unravelling at a rapid pace, making it impossible to control. Vasilisa has dwelled into the murky world of Court politics. Christian snaps at anyone who dares look at him funnily. Eddie has become so focused with his guardian duties. And I have been left to my own devices, slowly dying as the whole world carries on whilst I'm stuck in a void, unable to do anything.

The only one who doesn't seem fazed by Roza's departure is Adrian. When he had first found out, he was angry; even going as far as attacking me. Not that I can blame him; after all, it was my fault. I deserved it all. I deserved the blows. I deserved to die a slowly and torturous death as punishment for what I had done.

But now, it seems that for Adrian at least, things have settled down. He's lucky. He's still in contact with Rose. The loud, arrogant voice he uses to inform us of the many nights he spent talking to her is enough for me to want to hurt him, but I know murdering a royal moroi won't do my cause any help.

Not for the first time, I've found myself envious of Adrian Ivashkov. He has the whole world at his feet. He can do what he wants, when he wants. He could even have Roza. And after what I did to her, after what I said to her, I wouldn't be surprised if they actually got together.

The two of them getting together would be for the best. It pains me to say it, but it's true. Rose and I were doomed from the very beginning. We had no future. We had no life. We were stuck in a tragic cycle; a cycle that had to be broken. I realise that my words were harsh, but it had to be done. It had to be said. Our relationship needed to end. We needed to end. It was the only way forward.

To put it simply, Rose is a good person and I am not. The things I have done have caused disgrace for everyone I know. The things I have done have caused so much pain, so much heartache. Guardians are supposed to be in control all of the time and I failed. I failed at protecting the moroi. I failed at protecting those I love. Instead of doing my job, I let my emotions run wild. I let my predatory instincts take over; both before and after I was turned.

Rose had only been a child and I took advantage of her. I was a sick, perverted person. I didn't deserve to live. I didn't deserve her love. I didn't deserve to be freed from the chains of dark desire. They should have let me die. They should have let me rot in hell. After all, it's the least that I deserve for my many crimes.

I didn't deserve Rose. She is the most amazing, inspirational person I have ever met. And although I often lay awake at nights, resenting myself for forcing her away, I didn't regret my words. They had to be said. It had to be said. Rose deserved a great life. Rose deserved to have the chance to be a great guardian. She deserved to be happy. And none of those things would have been achieved if I had been selfish and kept her to myself. None of those things would happen if I had kept her to my own devices.

We didn't fit. We didn't have any sort of life together. Not only would there be stigma due to the both of us being dhampirs, we would have put our charges in danger. And I had hurt her so much. I had drunk from her. I had taken her blood from her. I had caused her pain and anguish, and I had enjoyed it.

Life was empty without Rose, but loneliness was slowly becoming my great companion in life. From now on it would be my only companion in life. I couldn't risk letting anyone get close to me again. I couldn't risk hurting anyone again. All my life, the people I cared about the most got hurt, and it was always my fault.

I should have stood up to the bastard of a father I had sooner, rather than sitting back and watching him attack and abuse my mother. I should have been there when Ivan got killed. I should have stayed away from Rose, ensuring that she never got hurt; ensuring that I wouldn't have hurt her like I did.

There were so many things in my life that I should have done. There were so many things in my life that I regretted. But telling Rose that my love for her had faded wasn't one of those. I had taken too much away from her already; her innocence and her blood to name but a few. I couldn't take away her future as well. I couldn't be that much of a selfish monster, no matter how much I wanted it. No matter how much I dreamt about it.

I didn't deserve to be happy. I didn't deserve the chance of a future, of a family. I didn't deserve any of this. I especially didn't deserve Princess Vasilisa's kindness, after I had run her best friend out of Court.

I had tried to talk to Rose. I had tried to convince her not to leave, but when I saw her face I had barely recognised her. I had never seen her look so vicious. I had never seen her full of so much hatred. I was stunned. I couldn't speak. And then, before I knew it, she had left. She had gone. She had walked out of my life and I was unsure whether or not I would ever see her again.

Did it hurt? Yes. Did I hate myself for what I did? Of course I did. But it had been for the best. I was the chains holding Rose back. I needed to cut all ties with her. She needed to be free. She needed to be free from me. And whatever happened in the future, I would be able to find some sort of solace knowing that Roza was happy. I would be able to die peacefully knowing that she was living a great life. But before that happened, I had a vast amount of loneliness to keep me company on the nights where Rose haunted my dreams. Because although she had left Court, she was still here – in my heart, in my head, in my soul – with me. And that was enough to keep me going for the time being.


End file.
